To Find Solace
by fizzwizz15
Summary: Set in Series Six somewhere after DoubleMeat Palace. A bad fight with the Scoobies makes Buffy go off to Spike once again, but she can't help but reflect on her relationship with him and how he makes her feel alive...Rated M for later. Spuffy of course :
1. Chapter 1:Bad Encounters Causes Cravings

**Chapter One**: **A Bad Encounters Causes Cravings**

Buffy slammed the door to her house with a satisfying 'whack!' and stormed onto the porch. She screwed her eyes shut and placed her hands over her ears as the entire scene replayed in her head once again.

&&&

_The Scooby gang had cornered her just after she had returned from a double shift and she had been totally unprepared for it._

"_Buffy we're all worried about you," Willow said, looking worriedly at her and looking at Xander as well for backup._

"_Yeah Buff," Xander agreed seriously, "you've been even more distant since…" he paused and looked away, slightly abashed, "you came back."_

_Willow had looked slightly helpless at her as the guilt of knowing she was in heaven was brought back up to the surface once again._

"_I'm sorry Buffy but he's right. You have been more kooky lately and it's not good because there are problems that you are still putting off and you…" Willow paused as Buffy just blinked at her, absorbing her every word and waiting for her to continue her sentence._

"_And what Will?" Buffy asked, irritation and annoyance clear and in her voice as she spoke, "What have I been putting off since you dragged me out of Heaven and brought me back? What have I been putting off since I've been slogging my ass off doing double shifts at the Double Meat Palace to try and pay off the never-ending bills that were left behind to me? Or that Dawn maybe is still being a klepto and is still not getting enough from everyone or me? Or…"_

_Buffy paused and just looked at Xander, Anya and Willow with a very stony expression and gave them a small sad smile as something dawned on her. "How long have you guys been wanting to do this talk?"_

_Her smile dropped as she watched her friends shared a guilty look and stared at the floor, except for Anya who didn't understand why they were looking guilty._

_She looked at Buffy and said, "They've been planning it for a few weeks now but they didn't know how to bring it up."_

_Willow and Xander looked at Anya with incredulous looks but Anya just innocently asked, "What?"_

_Buffy looked at them all and suddenly gave a small chuckle and shook her head._

"_You guys are the people I rely upon and call my friends and family. I need you just to get through everyday and you still can't even come and talk to me as something as important as this? After all that we've been through?"_

_Xander slowly stepped towards Buffy and looked sadly at her, "You don't even let us in anymore Buff. You keep us out of your troubles and let us see only what you want us to see which has never been much and is now even less than before."_

_Buffy stared silently at him as he continued, "We know the whole deal about being the Slayer and being the only One, but we're you're friends and…"_

_He was abruptly silenced when Buffy shut her eyes and held up a hand._

_Worriedly the Scoobies all looked at each other with worried glances but Buffy had to take a few deep breaths to get her anger and sadness under control._

"_Xander you have no idea what I've gone through," Buffy said quietly and opened her eyes to look at him. In her eyes she stared at him with the years of battle and war and emotional damage that made her look suddenly tired and worn. "And you never will."_

"_Then why won't you tell us? Try to explain and…" Willow started but Buffy had had enough._

"_Guys I'm sorry I don't live up to your expectations ok." she said angrily. "I'm sorry I'm not exactly the same as I was before I died to save the world, again. But you need to let me adjust to living again and to stop questioning my every move because I seem off or unlike myself. I need you to stop ganging up on me and making me feel worse than I already do because I can't stand the extra pressures from you guys and…"_

_Buffy suddenly stopped as she looked around at the shocked expressions on her friends' faces. Realising that she didn't care how they felt because her own inner turmoil was nearly raging out of control, Buffy looked at them all and said in a flat tone, "Guys I can't deal with this right now. I've just worked a double shift, I'm tired and I still need to go on patrol. I'll talk to you all later." _

_She turned her back on them and walked away without a second glance but she still felt the burn of tears as she felt their eyes stare unmercilessly at her as they followed her out of the room._

&&&

Buffy looked around the dark street and up at the night sky. It was a beautiful night but its beauty couldn't even touch Buffy as she began to slowly walk away from the house down the familiar path that lead to the sidewalk by the road.

Turning left she began the walk that would lead her to her only solace, the place that housed the only person who could make her feel alive again. The same person whom she had seen night after night for weeks now and she couldn't stop going to him. She was addicted to the burning feeling that he infused her with, the burning writhing feeling of pleasure that she had never known before with anyone.

Spike.

She needed him right now. His kisses. His touch. His soothing words of need and pleasure that he got whenever she came to him. Night after night she would appear and he would always welcome her, no questions asked or complaints.

He relished off having her and she knew that. She also knew she burned him with that same fire that he sets loose in her. A vampire needing a Slayer to feel alive and a Slayer needing a vampire to feel alive.

How ironic can the world get?

Buffy wasn't paying attention to the few people that walked past her as she made her way to her destination. The pavement under her comfy sneakers was all that her eyes could see because she didn't have the energy to look up and around for danger or vampires.

She was past caring being on her guard because she needed to feel the spark of life again. Hers' was nearly out once more and only Spike could bring it back.

A cold wind suddenly struck up and caught Buffy by surprise. Quickly she drew her coat around her and thanked god that she had had the sense to grab it before leaving the house.

She stopped walking and quickly glanced around to see where she was, but her friends' message kept on reverberating around in her head…

_You're no longer seem to even be a part of this world anymore. You're not the Buffy we used to know. Buffy you need to stop being so distant._

Buffy quickly shook her head and refocussed on where she was.

She was still some streets away from the graveyard but that knowledge still didn't stop the slow pooling of heat that began to creep into her body. The harsh wind now longer held an effect on her as the heat began to slowly pool in her stomach and Buffy couldn't help but smile in anticipation.

Her body was slowly coming to life once again…

And she wasn't even at his crypt yet.

Buffy quickened her step and walked faster.

She had to get there right now.

Memories of past nights with him flashed in her mind and Buffy relived them as she walked the longish distance to Spike's residence. It made the time fly by and soon Buffy suddenly found herself standing at the gates of the cemetery and her entire body was humming.

She didn't even pause for a second as she walked over the threshold and into the dark cemetery and walked through the mass of gravestones that lay in neat rows. She knew the cemetery so well. Buffy had never told anyone just how well she knew it because of just how much time se had spent there over the many years she had been the guardian of the Hellmouth.

She knew the whole layout, every mausoleum, and gravestone and where every fresh vampire had arisen and where the new ones would rise whenever she had done some research before coming out on patrol.

But Buffy knew she wasn't going to patrol tonight.

She turned a left around a particular mausoleum and suddenly she could see it, her destination.

Spike's crypt.

Buffy felt every pore in her humming body pull her towards the sanctum of knowing she was going to be able to feel life again, but as she took a step in the direction of the crypt something suddenly deep within her mind penetrated through the attraction and desire that had flooded and built up in her body during the walk to here.

It was a vision of her friends' shocked faces before she had stormed out of the house and the epic anger she had felt at them.

What would they think if they found out she was here, right now, aching to go and see Spike to have sex with him just so she could feel again. To feel alive…

A sharp stab of shame and embarrassment flooded her and decimated all of the arousal in her. How on earth could she face her friends if they ever found out? What would they do and say and…

Buffy looked at Spike's crypt with longing but the vision of her friends' faces played once again in her mind and she felt torn deep inside. Torn between the honesty and trust in her friends that she would never ever sink so low as to sleep with Spike and her own selfish wants and needs to be with him.

She wanted him. He wanted her.

She tolerates and likes him from time to time. He loves her.

She comes to him night after night. He welcomes her with open arms.

Her heart beats faster whenever she sees him coming towards her with that look in his eye. He has no heartbeat.

The smell of him is imprinted in her system now; there is no denying it. He can smell and sense her before she even notices him.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy tried to make up her mind and fight off the need that was growing inside her again, but she was also internally fighting off the images of her friends' faces.

They weren't here now, they would never know about her and Spike. She needed him more than they needed her. They had all managed without her while she was six feet under, why couldn't they just leave her be sometimes now that she'd been brought back?

Rubbing her eyes in frustration, Buffy sighed. She hadn't felt this down for a little while but the fight with her friends had brought back the longing of Heaven and being dead once more. To stop having to walk down the hard road of life because it was easier to be dead than alive.

"Why does it always have to be so hard?" she whispered quietly to herself as she gazed up into the silent starry night.

"Because life isn't meant to be easy luv," a deep voice purred back in her ear and Buffy suddenly felt a hard body press into her back and two strong hands come to rest on her hips.


	2. Chapter 2: Regaining the Spark of Life

**A/N: ****Thanks so much for the four lovely reviews and I hope that this new chapter is a nice continuation of it. It is not finishing here though so I'll hopefully update ASAP, with or without reviews. :) Happy reading!**

**Chapter Two**

The overwhelming smell of leather, cigarettes, aftershave and alcohol flooded all of her senses and Buffy couldn't resist it as she shut her eyes and leant back against the form behind her.

_Hmmmm…Spike…_

She didn't know if she had moaned it out loud or not, but he knew what was on her mind and his effect on her.

Giving a devilishly and smugly evil chuckle, Spike leant his head down and nuzzled his nose against the side of her neck, causing her to lean heavier against him.

He knew how much she loved him nuzzling her neck.

The feel of her pressing against him was starting to become too much for him to just nuzzle her soft delicate skin. Spike couldn't resist lightly nip her skin with his teeth, causing her to moan very quietly against him.

Arousal was beginning to grow deep within him and Spike knew that he was going to have to move them both inside his crypt otherwise they could soon be getting arrested for indecent behaviour.

With great willpower, he pulled away from Buffy and moved to stand in front of her.

She was looking up at him with a slightly surprised face but with desire and arousal as well.

Her look said plainly 'why did you stop?'

Spike gave her a tender half smile, "Luv we better go inside otherwise you'll end up hating me even more afterwards if we move our 'activities' outside on public property in plain view for everyone to see."

Buffy gave him a small glare and rolled her eyes before giving him a small smile, "I guess you're right."

Spike now fully grinned at her, "And we don't want you're reputation as a vampire slayer to be changed to being a vampire layer instead do we?"

Buffy now fully glared at him, not looking impressed at all, but Spike just winked at her and turned away, heading off to his crypt. But before he started walking, he suddenly took a hold of her hand and began to lead her towards his home.

Not fighting away from his weak hold on her hand, Buffy couldn't help but notice just how soft a hold he had on her hand. It was nearly like he was confident that she wasn't going to try and pull away from him anymore.

Like he was confidant he had her within his grasp or something…

Instantly Buffy stopped walking and her hand fell out of his, causing Spike to stop walking as well. He turned around and looked at her with a slightly confused expression on his face.

"What's up pet?"

Opening her mouth to answer him, Buffy suddenly found herself unable to form words. For a few seconds she struggled but no words came to her. All that was uttered from her mouth was an unsure stutter and that caused Spike to look at her even more confused.

Spike walked over and stood in front of her, gazing down into her face with a concerned, caring expression.

"You ok Buffy?"

She could see such love and care on his face that Buffy found herself nearly unable to bear it. What had she done to deserve such love?

Nothing.

Buffy gazed up into his eyes before quickly managing a nod, "Yeah I, I just haven't had a good night that's all."

Spike looked even more concerned at her for a second, but he nodded understandingly and took a step away from her.

"So I won't be hearing you knockin' on my door tonight then pet?" he asked, sounding slightly disappointed.

Normally he would try and convince her to stay but there was something in her eyes tonight that made him back off. Something had happened at Scooby Central and it had been bad.

His guess was it was her friends. They must have said something to her because she was bruised in her eyes, not on her skin.

Buffy stared helplessly at Spike as he started to very slowly turn away from her and begin to walk back to his crypt, alone.

Spike. Was. Walking. Away. From. Her.

Something deep inside Buffy suddenly pulled her body into action as she suddenly found herself walking behind him with no explanation from her body.

She fought for a second with the needs within her own body, but stopped again just as quickly. She had had a hell of a bad night at home; she deserved to have a small bit of comfort from one that loved her for who she was.

Even though she wasn't sure if she deserved such a tainted love as this.

Spike could sense whatever it was that was going on inside her, but he could not stop the triumphant grin spread on his face as he sensed her suddenly catch up and walk closely behind him.

Neither said anything as they entered his crypt, nor did they even bother to wait to say anything the instant the heavy door slammed shut behind them.

They simply looked at each other, their eyes locked and they moved towards each other in synchronised steps. At the same time their bodies clashed and within seconds the instant struggle for dominance began as they met in a powerful kiss that immediately led to the disappearance of clothes, logical thoughts and barriers altogether.

Within both of them the spark of life flared in brilliance and power once more as they clung to each other on the floor in their vicious lovemaking.

The consuming fire burned within every fibre of their beings as they moved as one, moaning and groaning with the rituals of the flesh that are as old as time, for demon and human alike.

Time did not matter as their movements slowly became more and more insistent and ragged, striving for that one thing that they both craved for.

That one moment where they felt truly _alive_.

The crescendo to that moment tonight was so intense that when it finally came, they both cried out each other's names and clung to each other with all of their strength as they finally allowed themselves to _feel_.

Covered in sweat, tears and more sweat, the explosive feeling of release swam through their bodies with such raw power like nothing they had experienced before. They rode the waves of pleasure together, one after another as the after-affects rolled in and the burning along all of their nerves and held them in a powerful, unmerciless grip.

By the time that had all passed and the relaxation flowed forth through their exhausted bodies, Spike and Buffy were still overwhelmed by tonight's climax. When their exhausted bodies finally managed to catch up with the after effects of their vigorous activities, they tired pair had unconsciously fallen asleep.

It was a rare embrace, one of absolute closeness and allowed no spaces between them. She was in his arms, head resting on his chest, arms wrapped tightly around his neck. He was on his back; arms wrapped protectively around her upper half, legs comfortably entangled with her own.

Never before had they slept like this but tonight had been different on some levels for both of them.

All that had to be seen next, was how what they were going to be like tomorrow.

&&&&&&

Time did not get that far…

&&&&&&

It was the cold on Spike's already cool skin that caused him to slowly wake up out of his 'Slayer-induced coma like' sleep.

He didn't even need to open his eyes to know that she was still with him. Touch, smell, hear, taste, those senses were overwhelmed by the essence of having Buffy still so close to him that he didn't need to open his eyes to confirm what he already knew.

But he opened his eyes anyway.

Buffy's head was still on his chest and her short hair was strewn everywhere. Her eyes were closed peacefully and she was breathing quietly with deep breaths. She looked so relaxed and peaceful when she slept that Spike could not help but watch her sleep sometimes when she rarely stayed after a bit of 'rough and tumble'.

Staring with a slightly quizzical and concerned expression, he continued to silently watch over her as he thought back over how she had been tonight.

She had been different, more passionate, giving and had a sense of desperation about her that made him worry. He couldn't help but be worried about the fact that she had fallen asleep on him and in such close proximity after they had finished.

Normally she would remove herself from him, get dressed and run out of his crypt before he even had gotten a word in, or she'd stay for another round then go but…

Never before had she shown him intimacy by means of non-sexual-physicality. He'd never been allowed to hold her hand in public or show affection, but falling asleep in the position they had has to mean something.

_What had gone down at Scooby Central must've been a pretty bad showdown…_

Going against his better judgement, and all of his right mind, Spike knew deep down that Buffy had fallen asleep in his arms because she needed more than just sex from him tonight. She just needed someone to be there for her and he was more than willing to do it without using sexual methods.

Carefully Spike pulled himself out of her, gently picked her up in his arms without waking Buffy, and carried her down into the bottom level of his crypt where his bedroom was.

He looked at the bed with apprehension because Spike knew he could do this in two ways. Currently he was holding a naked, vulnerable Slayer whom was asleep in his arms and probably wouldn't like the idea of him sleeping next to her naked as well. But the other way of thinking about it was he was holding an exhausted, emotionally broken woman whom he loved with his whole un-beating heart and she was the only person whom she had turned to.

Spike looked down into her relaxed face leaning against his chest, her warm breath hitting his skin and warming it up. He smiled tenderly at her and silently thanked god that she wasn't awake to see it because that would surely have her running out of the door.

Walking over to his bed, Spike pulled back the top sheets and carefully lay Buffy down on the mattress before laying the sheets back on top of her. The instant he moved away from the bed and from her, Buffy began to quietly stir and Spike was quickly at her side once more.

Making quiet soothing noises and running a hand gently through her short soft hair, Spike watched as Buffy relaxed once more in the bed.

Seeing her react like this caused Spike's un-beating heart to stir when he realised what he was going to have to do.

He wasn't sure if she was going to approve of it and Buffy was probably going to kill him tomorrow for it, but this was now and that was just something he would have to look forward to.

Quickly Spike scooted around to the vacant side of the bed and slid under the covers. He lay there for a few seconds, unsure as to if Buffy was going to wake up or not, but instead he was sorely surprised.

Subconsciously she rolled over, straight into his arms and onto his chest once more. She gave a sleepy contented sigh and relaxed once more.

Spike froze the entire time she had moved, but he himself was now too exhausted to care about the next morning or about the fact that Buffy had rolled into his arms in her sleep.

Feeling his eyes becoming heavy, he carefully wrapped his arms around her small frame and drew her closer to him. Spike listened to the comforting, steady beat of her heart. A small smile appeared on his face as he listened to the powerful organ that was keeping Buffy alive.

Alive and with him.

The overwhelming smell of Slayer, musk and woman flooded his powerful nose and with the toxic combination of her heart, touch and her scent completely surrounding all aspects of him, Spike finally fell back into a deep and dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3: Afterwards

**Chapter Three**

Morning eventually came and the Chosen One finally woke up from her slumber.

She awoke from the most peaceful sleep she had had since her death and to her horror she found herself in the strong arms of a bleached blonde vampire. With one quick glance she saw, and felt, the hard lean chest she was against and the undeniable warmth that surrounded her entire body from the cocoon of blankets that encompassed their entangled bodies.

Buffy did not dare move for fear of waking the slumbering vampire that was holding her, rather comfortably to be honest, in his arms. Carefully she raised her head slightly off his chest and gazed up into his peaceful face.

The instant she saw his relaxed features and just how peaceful he looked, something deep within her stirred and she couldn't help but stop and stare for a few more seconds than perhaps was necessary.

There was something about how he looked that made her feel…suddenly comfortable to be with him right now in this movement.

He looked so human.

Vulnerable.

That's what it was, he looked so human but she knew he wasn't.

And the thing that had stirred deep inside her was that she didn't care that he wasn't human. The fact that he didn't breathe when he slept was living proof of that, but he never tried to disguise the fact that he was a vampire.

He had accepted it whole heartedly more than a century ago when he had been sired, just like every vampire did when they were sired.

But Spike was different compared to all of them.

Buffy knew she would never tell him or anyone else this, but there were more human qualities and emotions that he possessed and showed her more than any vampire she had ever met.

Including Angel.

The memories of her time with Angel caused the guilt trip to sharply rise within Buffy as she looked away from Spike's sleeping face to mattress under them.

Vulnerable.

That's how she always felt whenever she watched him sleep after sex. It was a dangerous habit that was growing even more addictive to her because it was the one time that she could allow her growing feelings show through.

It was only fair; she only showed her vulnerability to him, watching him sleep in secret as he willingly showed her his human side, his own vulnerability, as he slept.

There was no denying it now; her once will-bound hatred of Spike was slowly moulding into the complete opposite. No longer did she see him just as an ally she needed in a fight or as the perfect bodyguard for Dawn, but he was essential to her entire being.

She needed him for more than just the sex; she constantly relied on him for his never-ending love or support that he gave her.

He always gave her what her friends couldn't, an impenetrable security blanket of knowing that he accepted and loved her for what she was. Never expecting anything more or less.

Buffy always remembered that it was he who had cleaned her hands after she had clawed her way out of the ground. It had been that first conversation with Spike, him gently holding her hands, just quietly talking to her, that had been her first moment of peace since the shock and turmoil of her journey back to life.

Spike suddenly slightly shifted his head to the side and Buffy froze, now snapped out of her reverie. She watched as his nose twitched a few times before he relaxed once more underneath her.

Breathing a small sigh of relief, Buffy went back to watching his sleeping face with a small smile creeping onto her own face.

She knew she really should remove herself away from him and leave and get back to her home. Buffy knew her friends would be worrying about her and that they would come and search themselves for her if she didn't get home soon.

Dawn would have been home alone again if that happened…

There was going to be another double shift at the Double Meat Palace today and she had to go and wash her uniform…

More bills needed to be paid today…

Once again the troubles of life had crept back into the small bit of peace that was made whenever she was with Spike. It was not fair.

_Why should I have to go?_

This thought quietly whispered itself into her head and Buffy was alarmed that she had thought of such a thing.

No she had to go she knew that but…

Glancing back at Spike sleeping, the same thing that had moved inside her before stirred again and was so strong that Buffy decided that maybe just for today, she would avoid the troubles of her life and the world and just spend it safe in the arms of the one who loved her.

Exhaling in surrender to her tired body and heart, Buffy gently lay her head back onto Spike's unmoving chest and shut her eyes. It didn't take long for her body to rejoice in her decision as she began to feel drowsy and sleepy once more.

Soon she was deeply asleep again and the moment she was Spike, with his eyes still shut, smiled and drew her tighter against him.

She hadn't left him after all and he couldn't believe it.

But who was he to complain?

Spike had awoken the instant she had because his lullaby that was her steady heartbeat had suddenly shattered and began to beat erratically. His first instinct had been to open his eyes and look at her, but for the first time since this 'thing' had started whenever he had woken up and looked at her if they had fallen asleep, Buffy had always blushed, grabbed her clothes, got dressed and ran out of the door before he could even get a word in.

This time he had wanted to try something different.

He had only _pretended _to be asleep.

Spike had felt her head get off his chest and it had taken all of his will power not to slightly tighten his arms around her, but when the rest of her body hadn't moved he had quickly realised she was watching him.

He did not know how long for, but the fact that she was began to really interest him. Taking a huge risk, he had moved his head slightly just to see what she would do. The instant he had moved, he had heard her breath catch in her throat and felt her hold her breath as he continued to slightly shift his head.

She hadn't wanted him to know that she had been watching him sleep.

_Naughty Slayer just got her hand caught in the cookie jar…_

He had made his nose twitch slightly in his amusement, simply because if he had grinned or chuckled she would have known he was awake and she would have been embarrassed.

The nose twitch had been a bit of a risk really but Spike knew that it was worth it when he finally felt her relax against him again and begin to breathe again.

But when she replaced her head on his chest he hadn't expected her to relax that much. With her warmth breath hitting his chest, warming his now cool skin, Spike could hardly believe it.

She had _chosen _to stay with him, even though it was now morning and no doubt the ties in her life were beckoning to her. But still…

Awashed with hope that maybe, just maybe, she would finally beginning to feel for him, trust him enough to stay with him, Spike couldn't help but inhale deeply and absorb the intoxicating scent of her.

Slayer, woman and musk.

A fatal combination for him, but he bathed in it whenever she came to him.

Now it encompassed him as he held her, opening his eyes and just watched her sleep.

Close with the one he loved.

Things were changing and he knew that it was just the small but insignificant step of something new between them.

_Please may it last for more than just this, _he thought, silently praying to any god or higher power out there that could answer his plea.

**A/N: ****Thankyou for all of the lovely reviews (its great to know that this story is being red and liked!). I am working on the next chapter at the moment and I hope it will be finished soon so I can update it. Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue to do so. :)**


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